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...and we would have been infinite

If we could just control the way we feel, and the extent of our feelings, or at least figure out the true reasons behind our emotions at different points in life, we'd be .... Perfect. In every way.


A lot of times, ... actually in my case... ALL the time, I find myself in a kaleidoscope of puzzling emotions. I am aware and cautious of different things, I don't even know why. Petty things which are completely pathetic, like a phonecall, which means nothing ends up giving me infinite happiness. And then again, a truly happy moment ends up leaving me puzzled and frazzled.

I don't expect from people, because I am sure that when they fail to work out those expectations, which is normal and fair in most cases, because their life and choices are their own, so to expect that they would fulfill my wishes seems absurd. Same reason why I tend not to allow myself to put into the balance of expectations as well. It is hard. To live your life, thinking, was I good? Did I do good? Now will I not be back stabbed in the next minute? Is it enough, that what I did, or need I do more to not be left alone like an alien or like I am contagious? Will I ever be good enough? Will I ever NOT be an utter dissappointment? Am I EVER going to get that approval I SO BADLY crave? Will this self loathing, and "not being enough" thing ever pass away?


Expectations hurt. But yet, we still, end up, at times... expecting .. "I wish I had that" when we see a beautiful loving couple, so much in love, so truly happy. Or a person with their dreams fulfilled, or a very old couple walking with their hands in one another, being fought odds and still fighting yet never leaving each others side. Or wishing that "I wish it was meant for me", when we see some form of declarations of true emotions (except for the negative kinds of course), we end up wishing that, it came to us from someone who truly felt for us that way, and we could truly reciprocate in some way.


Wishes, expectations, emotions. We have them. Leaps and bounds. Some of us much more aware of them than others. Those who are aware, we either shut if off, mask, cloak, because we feel each and every one of them, succinctly, and it sucks, and it hurts. And it is painful. I agree, PAIN IS THE KEY> Because of pain, we understand, we realize, we take notes from our mistakes and try not to repeat them again. But sometime we do. History repeats itself. And the vicious circle starts ALL over again. We hurt. AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.


So, those of us who really feel, we shut it off. We are indestructible. But we are FROZEN. We are numb. It sucks even more! It is pathetically destructive. We kind of exist. And its a secret ... privy to us. ONLY.


Moreover, because we feel everything, clearly. We are also not without the cloudiness of these emotions. Although we feel, we do not KNOW why and WHAT are we TRULY feeling in a certain time period. But if we did, and if we could just CONTROL them or had any control OVER them. We'd be invincible.


A lot of time, I find myself wishing, .... I wish I didn't feel like that. I am still wishing that. But more than that I now wish, that I could truly fulfill it "Not feel the way I am feeling right now"... but I guess, I have to, right now, because this is the ONLY way I might learn in some near future.... how to never feel the way I am feeling I am now, or to work this some way in my benefit.


So, in a gist... had I, or we any control over our emotions or the extent of them... or we at least knew the truth behind our respective feelings at a particular time. We'd be.... infinite. Invincible, even.